Friday, 8 July 2016

Liberal forgets to greet nation on Eid; attempts suicide

A well-known liberal, Prakash Tambe, came under heavy criticism on Twitter from his fraternity after he forgot to greet the nation on the auspicious occasion of Eid al-Fitr.  Soon, things took an ugly turn and he noticed #BanPrakashTambe trending on Twitter.  Ashamed and aghast, Mr. Tambe decided to put an end to his life.

However, he made slight changes to his plan later and deactivated his Twitter account instead.

The incident happened yesterday when liberals across the country were celebrating Eid from their living rooms via Twitter.  But the ill-fated liberal, completely oblivious to the celebrations happening on the microblogging site, was watching a movie on television.  A 2015 calendar in his room did not help the cause either.

When the movie ended post midnight and he logged into Twitter, he was in for a shock.  His whole world came crashing down as he went through a plethora of Eid greetings on his timeline.  Crestfallen, he decided to kill himself and started searching the internet for a method to end his life, and was redirected to a YouTube page that read – ‘Himmatwala (full movie).’

As he muttered, “Adios world,” and played the video, a thought crossed his mind.  He realized his Twitter account was his only connection to the world and deactivating the account would be as good as being dead to everyone.  Hence, instead of dying a painful death, he deleted his Twitter account.

Speaking to The Unreal Times, he said, “Greeting everyone on the occasion of Eid is a usual custom, but for us, it’s a decree, it’s a task, it defines what we stand for.  We set an alarm and wait for this day, and as the alarm goes off, we slip in a unique message, different from the one posted the previous year.”

“I have been waiting for this day and I…I goofed up,” he broke down as he narrated the traumatic experience.

“It was like you wait for months for the World Cup final and when the match starts, the power goes off.  I cannot call myself a liberal anymore.  I am a sanghi.  Muslims across the world are discriminated because of people like me,” he let out a wail of anguish.

“Why don’t you just claim your account was hacked and you couldn’t access it?  I mean, we guys are pretty good at it,” we suggested.

But he seemed like a man of virtue and did not want to resort to lies.

“Ok then throw a feast for poor Muslim kids and redeem yourself,” we suggested another plan.

He sneered at us as he said, “You have grossly misconstrued our mission.  This is not how it’s done.”

“But instead of symbolic…”

Our interview remained incomplete as he gave us a stern look and stomped out of the room.

Monday, 4 July 2016

Terrorist frees hostages after they recite dialogues from Shirish Kunder’s movie

A gunman freed hostages after they were able to narrate dialogues from Joker, a science fiction comedy film directed by Shirish Kunder.

The incident occurred yesterday when a terrorist barged into a restaurant and took the customers and staff members hostage.  After closing all possible exit points, he asked them to recite verses from Quran as per the standard procedure followed by terrorists across the globe.

But when they failed to comply, he menacingly walked towards a customer sitting in a corner and said, “This is not done.  You have to recite something otherwise I will kill you.”

To this he said, “Kala ghaz kala gad gad gad, boli buzh boli bud bud bud.”

“What was that?” asked the bewildered terrorist.

“Shreyas Talpade’s dialogue from a movie I recently watched.”

“Which movie?”

“Joker by Shirish Kunder.”

“And you watched the entire movie?”


“Who are you?” the terrorist asked him with tear-filled eyes.

“I did my mechanical engineering from Lovely Professional University and I am currently working with…”

“No, you are an angel.”

“Like Taher Shah?”

“No, like a real angel.  Go, you are free.”

The other hostages learned the trick by then and narrated the same line to the terrorist and were allowed to leave the restaurant.

“Can we go as well?” asked the staff members.

“No!  Let’s watch the movie.”

“Reham, O thou terrorist,” they cried but the cruel terrorist did not pay heed to their plea and mercilessly played one after another Shirish Kunder movie and kept muttering, “What a brilliant director!”  Finally, at 3 am, he left the restaurant leaving everyone devastated.

Once the news broke out, the needle of suspicion pointed towards the director of the movie, as many claim his movies can only be watched at gunpoint, which, according to them, encouraged him to take this drastic step.  However, later the police released a sketch of the gunman, whose physical appearance did not resemble a tsunami survivor, and hence the possibility of Mr. Kunder’s involvement was ruled out.