Thursday, 28 January 2016

Suspicious balloon spotted near Delhi airport traced back to Rahul Gandhi’s office

In a daredevil operation, Delhi police has recovered over a thousand balloons from Rahul Gandhi’s office after a tip-off from local residents that the suspicious balloon spotted near airport had actually come from his office. A gubbarewala had also been arrested in this connection who was later released on bail...continue reading

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

After Ajay Devgan and Priyanka Chopra, now the snake from the movie Nagina wins Padma Shri award

Nagin, the King Cobra of Nagina fame has been awarded the prestigious Padma Shri award for excellence and exceptional achievements in the field of art and entertainment...continue reading

Monday, 25 January 2016

Kejriwal slams ATS for blocking 94 sites brainwashing youth, says ISIS is just sharing its Mann Ki Baat

After supporting Karan Johar’s benign statement on intolerance by saying, “Karan Johar right. Only one person in this country can publicly talk about his Mann Ki Baat,” thus showcasing his one-dimensional creatively to take a dig at Narendra Modi in 140 characters, irrespective of the issue...continue reading

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Modi launches ‘Learn India Learn’ campaign to educate lower income group about his other campaigns

Cynics may criticize him for launching campaigns that, according to them, bear no relevance to the daily struggles of the larger population, but no one can deny the fact that Shri Narendra Modi’s inspiring speeches make every listener believe that those campaigns are introduced specifically for him or her.  And now, he has taken a step ahead and launched, for the first time, an initiative only for the poor.

Learn India Learn, a fantasy training program dedicated to the underprivileged section of the society with a vision to raise awareness of how Narendra Modi’s initiatives are boosting India’s economic growth and why they should be proud of all the developments happening around them, has been rolled out by the government.  Everyone part of this campaign would share whatever they understand from his speeches and share the knowledge with as many people as possible, and the person who understands the most about his campaigns will get a mention in his next speech at Wembley Stadium.

To get a better understanding of the program, we decided to meet some of the participants and spoke to Ram Lal, a shopkeeper who has taken multiple loans to run his business but now finding it difficult to make ends meet.  An ardent follower of Narendra Modi, Mr. Ram Lal greeted us enthusiastically and said, “2014 general election was a victory of common men because that marked the end of our struggles, and since then we have been living a dream through Modiji.”

“I have never travelled outside my town but now I see so many exotic foreign locations…through his eyes,” his eyes sparkled as he continued, “When he walks on the tarmac wearing a suit worth 10 lakh, I feel like I am watching Arjun Rampal walking the ramp.  And last year when Air India One got parking slot near Air Force One and the entire nation celebrated the news, I couldn’t hold back my tears.  I ran to the terrace with my kids and sang, ‘Jana Gana Mana’ and took our selfie to capture the happy moment.”

“So when did you decide to join the program?” we asked.

“He has started so many great initiatives for us but unfortunately, because of my lack of education, I am finding it difficult to get any benefit from these initiatives.  I have realized that I need to educate myself to understand campaigns like Make in India, Start up India and many others so that I can increase my earnings and repay the loans I have taken.”

“There have been some misunderstandings as well because those 15 lakh he has transferred to my account is still not reflecting in my available balance.”

“Which 15 lakh?” we inquired.

“Those 15 lakh he gave us from black money proceeds.  See, after he promised to deposit 15 lakh in our accounts during election campaign, I immediately informed the debt collectors that some funds were in the process of getting transferred to my account in 100 days and that I would clear the entire outstanding amount once it’s done.  Don’t know what’s causing the delay.  I have even written a letter to him saying, ‘Sir, I am in deep financial stress. Kindly transfer the fund at your earliest convenience,’ but still it’s not getting cleared.  I think I have sent him incorrect IFSC code.”

“However, I have actively taken part in some of his noble initiatives like Clean India Movement and Yoga Day.  I have learned that 94 crore was spent on Swachh Bharat ads in one year and 15.87 crore on SMSes to promote Yoga Day, and it was totally worth it.”

“Are you regretting your decision to support Narendra Modi?” we posed a question to understand if he was happy with Modi government.

“Are you among those 12 followers of Rahul Gandhi who understand his speeches and refuse to admit that he is a stand-up comedian in the disguise of a politician?”

We hurriedly concluded the interview.

Also published here 

Saturday, 16 January 2016

Terror outfits honor Indian columnists with lifetime achievement awards for their constant support

Some of the Indian journalists were felicitated at a joint event organized by various terror outfits in Pakistan today for their contribution to Jihadi movement...continue reading

Thursday, 14 January 2016

Serial killer evading legal action for 10 years finally arrested for hurting religious sentiments

A hardened criminal, who was acquitted in several cases of murder, kidnapping, armed robbery, and other legal violations in the past due to lack of evidence, has finally been brought to justice after he allegedly poked fun at a Godman.

The followers of the Godman took to the streets, demanding action against the blasphemous mortal under section 295A for his audacious statement. The judiciary, that is ably protecting religious sentiments these days using all its efforts and resources, swung into action and sent him to 14 days judicial custody.

We managed to have a chat with the accused and he said, “I swear, I did not poke fun at him, I was just curious. I liked his trousers and asked him whether he made them from a saree or not but strangely, he did not respond. I thought I needed to be more specific, so I asked him if his costume designer was suffering from any psychiatric ailment, and that irked him. He called the cops on me who arrested me without wasting any time. You know how serious a religious offense is and even the cops don’t want to take a chance with that.”

“But now you would face trials in many pending cases that were once closed due to lack of evidence,” we informed him.

“Are they going to club everything together?”

“Yes, they will.”
“But even this guy was charged with rape and murder in 2007. What about that?”

“He is a Godman now. Moreover, he hasn’t hurt anyone’s religious sentiments. Anyway, just apologize to him and everything should be fine, or even better, become his follower.”

We bade him goodbye when the jailer informed him that someone wanted to meet him, and a colorful object entered the cell.

Meanwhile, all terrorist organizations have instructed their members to read section 295A carefully and not to hurt anyone’s religious beliefs while carrying out their operations in India.

Also published here 

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

16 sites in Mumbai declared ‘no selfie zones’; Narendra Modi cancels his Mumbai visit

Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s Air India One made an emergency return from Mumbai’s Chhatrapati Shivaji International Airport today after news broke out in the flight that a restriction has been imposed on taking selfies in various parts of Mumbai. He was scheduled to visit some of the drought-affected areas in Maharashtra region.

Later, his party released a statement saying, “Although Shri Narendra Modi couldn’t meet the victims personally due to extraordinary circumstances, his 3D hologram is taking stock of the situation there.”

Speculations were rife as to what prompted him to cancel his visit. Some suggested he perhaps realized at the last minute that his travel agent lied and Mumbai was not in Europe, whereas others professed he couldn’t create enough jumlas for the speech he was supposed to deliver there.

In a candid discussion with The Unreal Times, Shri Narendra Modi put all the speculations to rest and admitted that the reason why he cancelled his visit was indeed that selfie ban, “If 16 sites are declared ‘no selfie zones’ then what is left? Dadar railway station?”

“But you did not have to take selfies in Mumbai, especially when you have already taken selfies at multiple locations while circumnavigating the world, and you might click one or two in the space soon,” we tried to put things into perspective, “Moreover, there must be more to an official visit than clicking selfies.”

“Yes, like having dinner with foreign delegates, I know what you are trying to say but selfie is a very important tool for continuous improvement. You can look at an old selfie and understand where you erred in the past. Maybe you did not smile properly or you forgot to stand in the light when you took the selfie, but these mistakes guide you when you click the next one, because selfies are your best teachers,” Mr. Photogenic 2015 affirmed.

“So when did it all start?” we dig deep to identify the root cause of this mysterious syndrome.

“I have always had a penchant for photography. Initially, I used to take photographs of cauliflowers, stray dogs, and grasshoppers, you know, like professional photographers.  But once the selfie feature was introduced, I found the subject of my creative pursuit…my face. I achieved nirvana.”

“But what would you do if you are invited to attend an event in Mumbai in future?”

“Don’t know. Maybe I will just take an aerial view of the event,” he concluded.

Also published here 

Monday, 11 January 2016

Gatecrasher caught at Hrithik Roshan’s birthday bash, identified as Vivek Oberoi

Vivek Oberoi was caught gatecrashing at Hrithik Roshan’s birthday bash. He arrived at the party uninvited and started eating whatever was available there. However, he soon created a ruckus about excess salt in food when the guests identified him and raised an alarm.

As everyone ran helter-skelter screaming, “Oh my God, it’s Vivek Oberoi,” he misconstrued their frightened squeals as cries of adulation and posed for photographs with them before security guards swung into action and escorted him outside.

Speaking to The Unreal Times, Hrithik Roshan said, “I am not familiar with quite a few faces here but I gave them the benefit of the doubt assuming they are from the catering service,” he pointed toward Mika Singh and Ameesha Patel and continued, “But not Vivek Oberoi. You cannot forget him easily. My neighborhood grocery shop guy refused to give me credit after the collections of Krrish 3 were made public, and it all happened because of him.”

“But the collections of Krrish 3 can be attributed to a bizarre script and that glittering, silver color consume you forced him to wear,” we tried to reason.

“Not at all.  Even I wore costumes in Krrish series, and everyone, other than a few stray dogs, appreciated the look. That’s why we have decided not to have a villain in Krrish 4.”

“Krrish 4?  Is the story ever going to end?”

“See, that’s a continuing story. Let me narrate it to you for your understanding.”

We beat a hasty retreat from there but bumped into serial gatecrasher Mika Singh, who has attended almost all the parties happened on planet earth in the past few years. Recently, when Salman Khan hosted Paris Hilton at Balaji Rao’s birthday party, Mika Singh sneaked in as usual; however, things did not turn out quite as he’d expected as, after drinking copious amounts of…umm, water, Salman Khan gifted Mika’s necklace to Ms. Hilton, and all he could manage was a fleeting, strained smile.

Later, the news headline read – “Salman Khan gifts Paris Hilton a diamond studded necklace,” and everyone hailed him for his generosity, although, there was a small mention at the bottom of the page, – “The necklace was originally owned by Mika,” which everyone ignored.

We asked Mika what he was doing at Hrithik’s party and he said, “What else? Partying. No party is complete without Mika Singh,” he made the sign of the horns by extending his index and little fingers when someone interrupted him by saying, “Bhaiya, change the music, no?  People are leaving.”

Also published here

Saturday, 9 January 2016

330 million Gods file lawsuits against various individuals for hurting religious sentiments

Anantapur court was abuzz with activities this morning as representatives of 330 million Gods appeared here to file lawsuits against individuals who took potshots at Gods on various platforms over the past few years.  Cases were filed against film makers, standup comedians, and a few manufacturing companies who used Gods’ images on the wrappers to sell their products.

It all started after the same court issued a non-bailable warrant against MS Dhoni, over his portrayal as Lord Vishnu, when they realized that there was justice somewhere in the world.

We spoke to a group of Gods outside the courtroom and they said, “See, you have to stand up to trolls otherwise they will keep attacking you.”

“But if you don’t react, they would eventually stop trolling and go silent,” we said.

“Yeah, that’s what even Dr. Manmohan Singh thought and see who has actually gone silent,” they giggled as they continued, “Anyway, these filmmakers had initially made mythological movies and spread a lot of misinformation about us like we need offerings and blah.  I mean, what is it with offering flowers at the temples?  What are we supposed to do with flowers?”

“Then they made movies, questioning our existence.  Can someone tell me why Amitabh Bachchan delivered that monologue in Dewaar?  One person spoke for and against the motion and then went home victoriously after winning an argument that no one else took part in.”

“And then they crossed all limits and started ridiculing us in movies.  They showed that we get scared when we visit earth and see your so-called urban life.  Bloody ignorant baboons, we had technology even before you came into existence.”

“And those product wrappers?” another God interjected.

“Yes, first they told everyone that we like agarbattis, then they put our photographs on the packets to support their statement, then they sold those agarbattis and made money.  And all we got was smoke in our eyes.”

“We did not know how to counter these malicious acts.  We occasionally used earthquakes and thunderstorms to remind you that you needed to be more respectful to us.  But instead of getting the hints, you started doing research to find out the causes of those calamities, completely disregarding our presence.

“Finally, we read about this court case against Dhoni on Times of Ind…I mean, we learned using our special powers that this court has issues a non-bailable warrant against Dhoni, and that’s when we decided to handle the issue legally.  Now we are going to teach you guys some lessons,” a vengeful smile descended on their faces as they collectively clenched their fists, reminiscent of the posture Shanthakumaran Sreesanth assumed during an IPL match against Mumbai before he was slapped.

Meanwhile, Photoshop is planning to introduce a feature, after Dhoni’s case, that would prevent users from morphing Gods’ photographs, and would display an error message – ‘Read only file.  Cannot be modified,’ when someone tries to edit an image of God.

Also published here

Friday, 8 January 2016

Arvind Kejriwal to now tweet full movie reviews as Twitter increases character limit to 10,000

There is good news for all movie buffs as renowned movie reviewer Arvind Kejriwal has decided to post full movie reviews on Twitter.  This service would go live in a couple of months time once Twitter introduces the new feature that would relax its 140 character limit and allow its users to make 10,000 character tweets, in other words, it would allow them to make fools of themselves voluntarily.

The entire film fraternity has welcomed the decision of their favorite movie reviewer, who has an OCD to watch every single movie that hits the theater and had taken many by surprise in the past by reviewing movies that many did not know existed.

Kejriwal’s followers believe that the new character limit would lend a lot of clarity to his reviews which was earlier missing due to character count restriction.  For example, when he tweeted, “Went to see Bang Bang with my family. Nice movie. Kids enjoyed it. Congrats @VishalDadlani,” he couldn’t specify, due to lack of space, whether he enjoyed the movie or not, and left his followers at the mercy of his kids’ decision making abilities.

Meanwhile, a few followers of Salman Khan have urged him not to use the feature and sent him direct messages saying, “Bhai, old is gold.  Stick to 140 characters,” whereas others are trying to read 10,000 characters from his Twitter timeline in one go just to have a feel of the carnage he is going to wreak once the 10K feature is launched.

Also published here

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

After Pranav Dhanawade, now Shahid Afridi slams 1000 runs in a school cricket match to win emerging player award

Wonder kid Shahid Afridi has bounced back to form after scoring a scintillating 1000-run knock in a school cricket match in Karachi.  Batting at no 9, Afridi hit 65 sixes and 120 fours to reach the milestone before running himself out when he, in a fit of enthusiasm, ran too hard and ended up running beside his partner.  Though, both batsmen running to the same end is an acceptable running between the wickets technique in Pakistan, pioneered by legendary runner Inzamam-ul-Haq and widely followed by the entire Pakistan cricket team, many criticized Afridi for not grounding his bat.

Afridi looked jubilant as he addressed a press conference after the match.  The champion cricketer, who has decided to focus only on T20 and Book Cricket after retiring from other formats, said at the press conference, “Today, I have silenced my critics who always said I am not capable of playing big innings and refused to acknowledge my record breaking scores against Kamran Akmal in book cricket.  I tried to answer them with the bat in the past as well but they managed to run away every time I chased them with the bat.”

Pakistani fans, who had recently celebrated their team’s series win against Zimbabwe after realizing that their next international match is in 2017, have decided to continue the celebration as their only internationally known player is back in form.

One of the fans, while speaking to The Unreal Times, Said, “There was an ever-present look of confusion on his face, as if he was unsure whether he was a batsman, a bowler, a fielder, a non-playing captain, or just a bearded guy, standing in the middle of the ground for no apparent reason.  This innings will help him understand his role in the team.”

We contacted the captain of the school team against whom Afridi scored all the runs, and he said, “We hadn’t conceded so many runs in all the matches put together in last one year, but today these two uncles said they needed some match practice before IPL and decided to bowl at Afridi,” he pointed toward two gentlemen who resembled Ishant Sharma and Ashok Dinda.

Also published here