Thursday, 31 December 2015

Man admitted to hospital following an attempt to calculate his monthly transportation budget ahead of odd-even rule

Pappu Singh, a resident of Delhi, was admitted to hospital after complaints of acute chest pain and shortness of breath while he was preparing his monthly transportation budget.

The incident happened when Mr. Singh asked his son, Sonu Singh, for a calculator and the latter pointed out some serious errors in his calculation and offered to help him with it.

Mr. Singh was aware of the fact that he wouldn’t be able to use his car on odd dates as his car’s license plate ends with an even number.  Hence, he roughly added 15 days of auto fare and 15 days fuel charges to his household budget.  However, his son informed him that he had discounted too many crucial factors, and then created a flowchart outlining a list of probabilities, demonstrating his prowess.

Beads of sweat formed on Mr. Singh’s forehead as things started to get more challenging than he had anticipated.

“An odd date could fall on a Saturday when you will have an option to stay at home,” Sonu proclaimed.

“Yeah, say 5 Saturdays a month,” Mr. Singh interjected.

“Nah, either 2 or 3 Saturdays every month on odd dates.”

“But Kejriwalji might stop this experiment after 15 days.”

“We cannot predict what is in the mind of a person who wears mufflers in June.  And by the way, even if he stops the experiment after 15 days, it may not make any difference to the number of Saturday in a month,” Sonu pointed toward the calendar and added, “Moreover, you might forget it’s an odd date during weekdays and go out in your car.”

 “How am I supposed to forget my car’s registration number?”

“It’s very much possible.  People don’t remember their cars’ registration numbers all the time, and I said you might forget the date not the registration number.  We still don’t have odd or even date calendars in the market to remind you when you can use your car.”

“Yeah but look at the brighter side.  If I drive my car on an odd date and cause an accident, I can blatantly deny later.”

“That’s an unrealistic scenario.  What is more likely, though, is you paying fines.

“Yeah, 2000 rupees.”

“At every signal.  The rule clearly states that those who break the rule will have to pay 2000 rupees every time they are caught.  So, the odds of you getting caught 5-6 times are alarmingly high.”

An excruciating pain radiated through Mr. Singh’s chest as he fell off the chair.  He was immediately rushed to the nearby hospital where he is currently recuperating.

When we asked Mr. Singh the reason why he was petrified of the odd-even rule, he handed us the flowchart without uttering a word.  Here’s a scanned image of the flowchart which his son created:

We wished him a speedy recovery but he looked into oblivion and said he would stay in the hospital till 15th January.

Meanwhile, a few coaching centers have sprouted up in the city exclusively to train individuals on probability of compound events to help them calculate their monthly budgets correctly.

Also published here

Monday, 28 December 2015

I am Rahul Gandhi’s brother-in-law, I’m not afraid of saying stuff that make no sense – Robert Vadra

Congress has appointed Robert Vadra as the party spokesperson after he, in an epic display of love for common people, had lashed out at Kejriwal government for exempting VIPs from odd-even rule.  The party has announced today that Mr. Vadra would be sharing the burden of Rahul Gandhi and would criticize various political parties whenever opportunities present themselves.

Earlier, people caught a glimpse of Rahul Gandhi in him when he slammed Kejriwal government over an issue he was not remotely connected with, and his anti-VIP stand had created a lot of confusion as he himself falls under the category of unspecified VIPs.  Hence, the clarification from congress has come as a relief to many who had earlier attributed his incoherent thoughts to an extended Christmas party that, they assumed, he had attended.

Meanwhile, AAP has dismissed his statement as immature and uninformed and said, “Exemption of VIPs from odd-even rule wouldn’t benefit any VIP because no VIP, including Robert Vadra, owns a single car, and if at all any VIP has only one car, then that person should consider himself or herself fortunate to be classified as a VIP, and would require more help than a mere exemption from odd-even rule in order to be considered a VIP in the future.”

Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi, however, has lauded Mr. Vadra for his statement and said, “He is on the right track.  Initially, even I was a bit hesitant to express myself, but since I decided to implement everything I learned from Champak …I mean, I decided to be more assertive, things started to fall in place automatically, and today, I am one of the most feared political figures in the country,” he grinned as he continued, “If Robert continues the good work he has started then, you never know, he might just win one or two Bharat Rantas.  After all, we have a habit of winning Bharat Ratnas,” he grinned again for no apparent reason.

When we asked him about the numerous privileges Mr. Vadra himself enjoyed over the years, including exemption from frisking at airports, he rummaged through a few papers and said he would get back to us on this after a couple of days.

Also published here

Saturday, 26 December 2015

Santa Claus held by AAP workers with bag full of gifts, to be produced before Lokayukta court

Renowned philanthropist and gift item manufacturer Santa Claus was apprehended by AAP workers in Delhi for allegedly distributing unlawful gifts, and was later sent to AAP headquarters, where he confessed to his crime after Kumar Vishwas recited three back-to-back poems ...continue reading

Thursday, 24 December 2015

ISIS cancels plan to attack Delhi as AAP workers raid city to gather evidence against Jaitley

ISIS has released a video today announcing that it is withdrawing support from its network in India, which was assigned the task of carrying out attacks in Delhi, and the organization...continue reading

Sunday, 20 December 2015

Modi accepts Congress’s ‘Swamy Modi's mask claim as true, says Swamy is the one making all foreign trips wearing his mask


Prime Minister Narendra Modi has agreed today that Congress’s claim ‘Swamy is Modi’s Mask’ is true, and that he had a secret pact with Dr. Swamy under which they both decided to wear each other’s masks.

Speaking to Unreal Times, psycho Modi said, “After I became Prime Minister, I realized that it would be a bit unbecoming of me to take digs at opposition leaders every now and again. However, it’s virtually impossible for a normal human being to resist the temptation of poking fun at Papp…I mean, Mr. Gandhi, and the idea of swapping masks crossed my mind.  I discussed the idea with Swamy and he immediately agreed.  Little did I know that he had such wicked plans.”

“I first learned about the misuse of my mask when I reached airport for my first foreign trip as Prime Minister.  The person at the boarding desk looked at my ticket and my I-card suspiciously and said PM had already left for Brazil in the morning.  When I informed them that I am the Prime Minister of India, they laughed uncontrollably and tried to smell my breath.  That’s when I realized that Swamy had gone on that Brazil trip wearing my mask,” he scrolled through a few photographs of Amazon rainforest and grunted, “Cheater cock.”

“The same thing happened when Obama came to India.  Swamy told me that their flight would reach Delhi at 10 O’clock, but while I was getting ready to receive them, wondering whether to shake hands with Obama or greet him with a namaste, I saw on television that Swamy was already on the tarmac, hugging Obama in my mask.  Why on earth would anyone hug a stranger?”

When we asked him if he is the one going at Gandhis wearing Swamy mask, he said, “Well, I mean…see, since we won the general election, Rahul Gandhi has been irritating me by bursting crackers outside my house at 2 O’clock in the night and putting chewing gums on my seat in parliament.  He even left a cockroach in my bedroom one day and you know how dangerous cockroaches…,  Anyway, guess I will have to take my mask back,” he scrolled through the images of Niagara Falls and said, “I am losing more than I am gaining.”

We asked him if this was causing any confusion during diplomatic visits, and he said, “No, we both are vegetarians.”

Friday, 18 December 2015

Theater audience of Dilwale attacks Shiv Sena office after interval for allowing its release

Shiv Sena got a taste of their own medicine today when a violent mob of 2000 Dilwale audience members vandalized their party office after they were denied refund by theater authorities. Their protest was against ...continue reading

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Scientists back Kejriwal’s ‘Rahul Gandhi is a kid’ remark, say his gray beard is the result of electromagnetic radiation

Scientists at Bhabha Atomic Research Center have corroborated Arvind Kejriwal’s claim, stating Rahul Gandhi is indeed world’s first known gray-bearded kid, and the reason for his gray beard is electromagnetic radiation.

Further explaining the phenomenon, they said, “Mr. Gandhi has a lot of pent up energy in him to do something for the nation.  But as he is not getting enough opportunities, these energies are getting converted into radioactive materials.  These materials are constantly emanating from his body and turning his beard gray.”

The center, meanwhile, has made it mandatory for all MPs to display their Aadhar Card details on Twitter to avoid any confusion.

The whole controversy erupted when Indian Railways demolished a slum in Delhi and Rahul Gandhi alleged Kejriwal’s involvement in it, prompting the latter to retort with the historic remark.  Though, Kejriwal’s ‘kid’ remark has enough supporting evidence, Rahul Gandhi’s statement cannot be dismissed as baseless either, as no one is fully aware of who is running Delhi, and its functioning is largely a mystery to everyone.  Hence, every time something happens in Delhi, a fleeing image of a muffler-clad face flashes through everyone’s mind.

When we contacted Mr. Gandhi, he refuted the claim and whipped out his Aadhar Card from his pocket as proof of age.  A piece of paper came out with the card and fell on the ground.  He picked it up and said, “They are trying to stifle my voice but I will continue to fight for…women empowerment.”  He quickly glanced at the paper from the corner of his eyes and continued, “Is Swachh Bharat working?  Is Make in India working?  I don’t think so.  And if something doesn’t work then what is the point of starting it in the first place?  What we need is an anti-corruption drive.”

When we told him that even anti-corruption drives are not working, he roared, “Does that mean we should stop trying?”

Before we could get his reaction on Kejriwal’s remark, we noticed a group of people, with bags on their shoulders, wandering along the road.  He immediately pulled them aside and posed for a photograph with them; we obliged.  He assured them shelter and rehabilitation and asked them to join him for a dharna outside Jantar Mantar.  However, they politely declined his invitation saying they were tourists and had already arranged for shelter in a hotel.

We tried to contact Arvind Kejriwal for another spiteful remark but he was busy solving a complex odd-even number problem and wasn’t available for comment.

Friday, 11 December 2015

NASA releases HD images of a humanoid who was driving Salman Khan’s car

And now he is hiding

 Also published here

NASA today released high resolution images of a humanoid alien on an unknown planet, claiming he was the one driving Salman Khan’s car that ran over five pavement dwellers, killing one of them.  However, as it has already been established beyond doubt that no one was driving the car that night, NASA’s sensational claim has been regarded by many as a cheap publicity stunt.

When we contacted the alien, after Air India One dropped us off on his planet on its way to Mars, he was listening to The Newshour Debate as the Editor-in-Chief’s voice was faintly audible from his planet.  He admitted being behind the wheel when the incident happened on that fateful night; however, he reaffirmed that no one was driving the car.

“I visited your gola for an entirely different reason,” he recalled, “As a research scientist of my planet, I wanted to perform a few tests on Mr. Arnab Goswami to understand why sound makes an exception in his case and travels faster than light.”

“While working on the project, I started stealing clothes and cash from dancing cars for survival, and like everyone on your planet, I found it more interesting than a legitimate job.  I also developed a keen interest in apparel owing to the nature of operation.”

“On September 28, 2002, I saw a few Being Human t-shirts inside a Land Cruiser.  As I drew closer, a gentleman, in a t-shirt two sizes smaller than his actual size, dragged me inside the car and put me behind the wheel saying they had long been waiting for someone to sit in the driver’s seat.  When I expressed my inability to operate a vehicle, he assured me that it was a self-driving car and no action would be required on my part.  Before I could ask him the reason why they would need someone to sit behind the wheel when the car did not require one, it started running automatically.”

“I was behind the wheel, Mr. Khan sat next to me, Ravindra Patil sat behind me, and Kamaal Khan was behind Salman Khan at a 45 degree angle to me.  The car was moving beautifully on verbal commands but as we reached Hill Road, Mr. Khan said, ‘go right,’ Kamaal Khan said, ‘Left,’ Mr. Patil said, ‘Stop,’ and I said, ‘Help.’  The car got confused and went straight and rammed into the bakery, killing one person.  But thank God, nothing happened to bhai otherwise 16 million people would have committed suicide.”

When we informed him that his revelation could have legal implications, he said, “Chill. I have full faith in judiciary,” and winked at us.

Saturday, 5 December 2015

Liberal journalist alleges ISI network in India, moved to 'Food and Beverage' section

Image source - http://www.tomscott.com

In a sudden fit of patriotism, a journalist with a leading commercial broadcasting television network posted a series of tweets accusing ISI of recruiting spies in India, and he did not stop there.  In an act of brazen treachery, he then slammed his fellow liberals across the nation for their silence on the issue.  Little did he know that his senior editor was following him on Twitter under a pseudonym...continue reading

Monday, 30 November 2015

Salman Khan to receive Gyanpeeth Award for Twitter literature

Pearls of wisdom

Renowned painter, humanitarian, and actor Salman Khan will be conferred with the prestigious Gyanpeeth award for his contribution to contemporary Twitter literature, the Times of India group announced today at a joint press conference with Ministry of Culture.

He has accomplished the feat by trouncing some of the stalwarts of the genre the likes of Chetan Bhagat, Shobhaa De, KRK, et al., who have created masterpieces on Twitter over the past few years, e.g., Chhota Chetan’s tweet, “What do historians do? I am genuinely curious. This happened. Then this happened. Then this. Ok work done for the day.” is considered by many as one of the finest literary works post independence.  However, as the guideline clearly suggests that the award cannot be given for a single piece of work, Bhai’s collage of artworks on the microblogging platform proved to be the winner.

We asked the jury members what sets him apart from the rest, and they said, “His range.  He has written about various issues on Twitter from world tourism to Yakub Memon judgement, even though he had absolutely no clue who Yakub Memon was.  Now, that’s called creative imagination.”

Flipping through the printouts of his tweets, one of the jury members said, “When we read some of his tweets, during the evaluation process, we realized that he puts his soul into each of his works.  His tweets not only have an aesthetic value but also send a strong message to the audience.  For example, look at this creation.  This is not a mere tweet, this is a gift to human race, and see how the audience has connected with it.” he pointed towards a tweet that read, “Hi,” to emphasize his point.

“Not just that, he has also invented a new language to communicate with the world that challenges the narrow confines of conventional forms of expression, much like how Shakespeare approached his work on a smaller scale.  We have already set up a team to conduct research on the history and origin of the language, and we have declared his tweets as national treasure in order to protect and conserve them,” he beheld the tweets one more time with profound admiration as he concluded.

Meanwhile, a festive mood ensued in virtual world as millions of unidentified siblings of the beloved Bhai celebrated the news on various platforms with usual frenzy.  A new Facebook page – ‘Gyanpeeth Bhai’ graced humanity, which garnered 16-million likes till reports last came in.  The contributors have listed all his accomplishments on the page and also the ones he has been unfairly deprived of, which include:
1.    Nobel Peace Prize for his endeavor to improve Indo-Pak ties in Bajrangi Bhaijaan.
2.    Bharat Ratna for excellence in the field of music in Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam.
3.    Godfrey Phillips Lifetime Achievement Award for outstanding acts of bravery in various roles.
They have also urged the government to declare him the national bird for his peacock dance in Maine Pyar Kiya.
So You Think You Can Dance

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Narendra Modi echoes Aamir Khan’s sentiments, says he is already living outside India because of intolerance

Aamir Khan and Narendra Modi discussing intolerance

After Aamir Khan made a startling revelation that he is contemplating on leaving the country, and was subsequently lambasted by everyone including his grocery shop owner, he finally found support from an unexpected quarter, as Prime Minister Narendra Modi stated that the reason behind his frequent foreign trips is the same wicked intolerance.

This came as a major blow to those who had already written articles or prepared arguments for talk shows holding him responsible for an environment of unrest, especially on Twitter, which is worst affected during any crisis (experts are predicting that even World War III could be fought on Twitter).  Now they have to redo everything and accuse him of shirking responsibilities when the nation is reeling under a crisis.

We asked Mr. Modi, as the baggage handlers were loading his suitcase into Air India One, if he runs away from the situation then who would reassure the citizens of the country that everything is under control, and he said, “Chetan Bhagat and Anupam Kher.  They have taken it upon themselves to prove something that we are not fully aware of.”

“But things were quite pleasant initially when I assumed charge as the Prime Minister,” he went back to a reflective mode as he continued, “The country was still recovering from what had just happened.  No one was criticizing me, no one was raising any question, which gave me a lot of confidence and I made a couple of extra promises to people.”

“But one day, while I was sitting on a park bench, reading ‘101 Manmohan Singh jokes’ with a reassuring smile, someone called, ‘Feku,’ in a hushed tone.  I turned back but couldn’t see anyone.”

“Later when I logged into Twitter to share a Rahul Gandhi cartoon, I realized that the term had spread like wildfire on internet.  It was annoying.  I mean, what’s the point of having a 56-inch chest if you cannot use it anywhere other than in your speeches?  Unfortunately, if you are not Ra.One then it would be really difficult for you to enter the virtual world and beat up people.  So, I decided to stay out of the argument and left for Brazil.  Yes, FIFA World Cup was going on during that time and I watched a couple of matches as well.  But when I came back, I noticed that people had coined more term to troll me, and I immediately left for US.”

“Since then, whenever I come to India, I realize that I am responsible for everything including kids not scoring enough marks in their exams.  I have become a refugee.  I am visiting countries I did not know existed before I became Prime Minister.  I don’t even use Twitter anymore.  I have given the ID and password to my driver who logs into my account occasionally to wish everyone on DIwali and New Year.”

Aamir Khan in his statement also said that his wife Kiran Rao feared the safety of their children.  To which Narendra Modi said, “Just imagine if I had kids.  People would have said, “Woh ja raha hai Feku ka ladka,” he looked into the distant sky as he started climbing the stairs.

We tried to contact Aamir Khan for his reaction but he was taking suggestions from a few intellectuals, except Taslima Nasrin, about a tolerant country where he can live without any fear, and hence was not available for comment.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

Can Hindus and Muslims coexist in India?

Of late, the internet and news channels have been abuzz with conflicting views on various issues and practices, some of which even date back to prehistoric era, and one has to wonder how tolerant we are towards people from other communities and religions.  But irrespective of our stand on religious tolerance, we, Hindus and Muslims, would continue to coexist in India because no one is giving us an alternative option, although, these debates would only make the process a bit strained.

Recently, actor Kamal Haasan said that intolerance existed from 1947 and that’s why we became two nations, and rightly so.  Actually, intolerance existed even before 1947 and there are enough evidences of that.  Clash of ideologies will always be there because of how things evolved in the past, but by undermining the very existence of a group of people, we would achieve nothing other than cluttering up our minds with unwarranted trivialities.

We are not born with communal ideologies.  As a matter of fact, they don’t even fit into our scheme of things during a large part of our growing up years.  We adopt them gradually as certain factors around us start influencing our judgement and force us to look at things from a different perspective.

Harmful elements are there in all communities who relentlessly impose their set of beliefs on us.  We cannot fight them individually but we can certainly reduce their influence on our society by not conceding to such ideologies, but this can happen only if we, as individuals, don’t harbor similar thoughts.

Communal attacks are often initiated by organized groups and not individuals.  However, they come from within the society as we create a favorable environment for them to grow with our tacit approval of their points of view, which not only disrupts communal harmony but also hinders the progress of our nation.  If an attack on a group of people yields a sense of satisfaction for the other and we try to justify the act, then coexistence wouldn’t be a natural and peaceful process.

To be honest, I don’t know what secularism stands for because the flag bearers of secularism have virtually abused the term.  They play a key role in planting the seed of bigotry in our minds when the communal forces fail to do that.  I probably wouldn’t have known what communalism is if I hadn’t seen or heard them aggressively attacking people of a religious faith in the garb of protecting the other.

But now that we are more mature than how we used to be, we can dismiss such misleading propaganda, because all that matters is that we live peacefully together, and that can happen only when no Hindu or Muslim is subjected to unfair treatment.

We find it quite annoying when terms like Hindu terrorists or Muslim terrorists are used.  Yes, we cannot exercise political correctness and address an issue at the same time, but pointing the finger at an entire community for the acts of a few defies common sense.  However, the responsibility, to some extent, lies in our hands as to how we project ourselves.  Yes, the views of outsiders are often biased as they are based on preconceived notions and not facts, and we can disregard them as frivolous, but it that’s how we look at it, then we shouldn’t be concerned about how we are categorized by them either.

It’s a cliché that we should be Indians first and then Hindus or Muslims, but there are few (which include pseudo-seculars) who do not hesitate to defame the nation for petty gains, at times just for a mere pat on the back from their peers.  Fortunately, we have enough sensible people in our country who negate these forces and make it a wonderful place to live in.

We have come a long way from being regressive, prejudiced, and savage barbarians to reasonably civilized human beings.  We have shunned wrong practices, embraced progressive beliefs, and moved towards a purposeful way of life.  Things shouldn’t ideally go wrong from here on.  And we are definitely not going to see Hindus and Muslims killing each other on the streets every day.

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Mughal documents suggest that artists returned gold mohurs in protest again intolerance in Aurangzeb's reign

Historians made a startling revelation today that a group of calligraphy artists at Aurangzeb’s durbar had refused to accept their rewards, citing growing intolerance in his reign.  They made this announcement after examining a few documents from the Mughal era (a young boy, however, briefly claimed that the pages were actually from his history textbook).

According to their report, on 19th July, 1679, Aurangzeb invited a group of calligraphy artists at his durbar where he intended to reward them with a few gold mohurs for their contribution in the field of art and culture.  But in an unprecedented turn of events, when they were presented with the gold coins, they looked into oblivion and said, “Thanks, but no thanks,” and put Aurangzeb in an awkward position.  He was all set to hand over the mohurs and look at everyone present there with a self-assuring smile.  Little did he know that those party poopers would screw up his grand panache.

The report further reveals that the incident sparked a huge debate across the nation and the citizens were divided over the issue.  Many dismissed this symbolic gesture as politically motivated whereas others genuinely believed that there was an environment of fear in the country.  During that turbulent period, a rebel prince called Jujharu Goswami launched a vicious attack on Aurangzeb.  The fearless commentator, social reformer, and mighty warrior had pledged himself to expose the Mughal emperor and clean up the society.  Legend has it that every night as the clock struck 12, he was seen outside Aurangzeb’s palace, interviewing his helps.  And all he wanted was truth.

The historians have also found a transcript of an interview Jujharu Goswami held with a disgruntled painter, which clearly indicates that he was much ahead of his time as far as investigative journalism was concerned and could possibly have pioneered this art form.  Here is an excerpt from that historic interview:

Jujharu:  Mr. Anonymous, you not only asked for anonymity but also covered your face with a plastic bag.  May I ask you why?
Anonymous:  Because I am anonymous.

Jujharu:  Ok, fair enough, but what leads you to believe that there is intolerance in the country?  Who is intolerant?
Anonymous:  That guy.

Jujharu:  Please be specific, Mr. Anonymous, and please don’t try to dodge my questions.  I ask you again, who is intolerant?  Is it Aurangzeb?
Anonymous:  Yep.  There was a lot of freedom earlier as we could paint whatever we wanted to, but not anymore.  In the past 20 years I have painted over 1000 portraits of this guy…I mean, Aurangzeb and that’s all I have been doing since he took over.  Every time I start a new sketch, he comes from nowhere and sits in front of the canvas.  I have forgotten how someone looks like without a beard.  When I look at my wife, I see beard on her face.

This enraged Jujharu Goswami, according to the report, as he declared war against Aurangzeb and started mobilizing his troops on the banks of Indus River.

Accounts vary as to what followed next but history books suggest that the decline of Mughal Empire started immediately after that.

Also published here