Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Twitter suspends account after it couldn’t find a single tweet from user on demonetisation



Twitter India has suspended an account for violating its terms of use.  The decision was taken by the social networking company after it couldn’t find a single tweet on demonetization from the handle.

Ever since the government has imposed a ban on currency notes of higher denomination, every single individual has tweeted about how it’s going to impact our economy.  Some tweeted in favor of the decision while the rest criticized it.  But strangely, the user of the suspicious account did not tweet anything on the burning issue.  A further probe revealed that the same user avoided other issues in the past as well, like intolerance, odd-even formula, or even porn ban when the whole nation came together as one to protest against the ban.  Twitter had no option but to label this account as a bot and delete it.

Speaking to The Unreal Times, Rajesh Bhalla, the owner of the account, said, “I did not realize a little negligence on my part would cost me my account.”

“But why did you do this?  You had a Twitter account for heaven’s sake!  As a responsible citizen you should’ve voiced your opinion.  Why do we have Twitter accounts for?” we sought a clarification from the offender.

“I don’t know.  I don’t have much knowledge of Indian economy.”

“You don’t have to be an economist to understand if the bank queues are long.  Many explained the long-term impacts of demonetization on our GDP with graphs and pie-charts, including those who write movie reviews.  You could’ve at least tweeted about your own experience, or just retweeted a random tweet of Arvind Kejriwal, because that’s all he has been tweeting about for the past few days.”

“Yes but I don’t follow politicians.”

“What!  Whom do you follow then?  Barkha Dutt, Rajdeep Sardesai, Sagarika Ghose?”

“No, Salman Khan, Virat Kohli,…”

“Oh, so you retweet ‘Hi,” while completely ignoring the intellectuals on Twitter who enlighten us on larger issue.”

“Like?”

“Like…umm, why Hindu festivals are better than Muslim festivals or vice versa.”

“Oh ok.”

“So what would you do without a Twitter account now?  Your life is over.”

“Don’t know.  Maybe I will go home and watch Bigg Boss.”

“Shame!  You are a disgrace to the nation.  Go and watch your stupid reality show.”

“Ok, can I go now?  The show will start in half an hour.”

“Goodness gracious, what time it starts?”

Meanwhile, the incident has shaken Twitter India and it has now decided to periodically review accounts using human judgment and technology.  Sources revealed that it will suspend more accounts on similar grounds in future.

Also published here

Sunday, 25 September 2016

Raj Thackeray watches Ae Dil Hai Mushkil trailer, asks entire cast and crew to leave India within 48 hours



After threatening Ae Dil Hai Mushkil’s Fawad Khan to leave the country within 48 hours on Friday, MNS chief Raj Tackeray today has asked the entire cast and crew to leave the country within 48 hours.

Mr. Tackeray, after issuing the ultimatum to Fawad Khan, realized he had reacted in haste and decided to watch the trailer of the movie to understand the situation better.  Hence, he locked himself in his room and secretly played the trailer on YouTube.

Two and half minutes later, when he came out of his room, achieving nirvana, he looked visibly shaken and refrained from discussing the experience with anyone.  He, however, asked his workers to issue a statement, demanding the ouster of the entire cast and crew of the movie from India within 48 hours.

“Movies like Ae Dil Hai Mushkil are the reason why people are losing faith in humanity.  Raj couldn’t sleep for three days after watching the trailer and tried to figure out whether it was about a love triangle or a futile attempt to revive Aishwarya Rai’s acting career,” Shalini Thackeray, wife of MNS chief Raj Thackeray, said in a press conference.

Shalini, who is the general secretary of MNS, told us that their Chitrapat wing has issued a 48-hour ultimatum to the entire cast and crew of the movie to leave the country.

“We would also issue letters to the producers asking them on what ground they hired Aishwarya Rai when there are ample number of actors in the country and struggling to find an opportunity.”

“Would you like to specify a name?’ we asked.

“Her husband!”

“But Aishwarya Rai is playing a female character and Abhishek…”

“With a bit of make-up, he could easily play the character,” she asserted.

We asked Raj Thackeray what MNS would do if they refuse to leave the country and he looked at us blankly for a second before the trailer he’d watched flashed through his mind, “Our workers will push them out before they release the movie,” he screamed on the verge of breaking down.

However, Mumbai Police has given an assurance to the production house and said, “Anyone who has a valid document issued by the Government of India need not worry.  If Bangladeshi immigrants can live here illegally without any document then why cannot they?”

Thursday, 7 July 2016

Liberal forgets to greet nation on Eid; attempts suicide



A well-known liberal, Prakash Tambe, came under heavy criticism on Twitter from his fraternity after he forgot to greet the nation on the auspicious occasion of Eid al-Fitr.  Soon, things took an ugly turn and he noticed #BanPrakashTambe trending on Twitter.  Ashamed and aghast, Mr. Tambe decided to put an end to his life.

However, he made slight changes to his plan later and deactivated his Twitter account instead.

The incident happened yesterday when liberals across the country were celebrating Eid from their living rooms via Twitter.  But the ill-fated liberal, completely oblivious to the celebrations happening on the microblogging site, was watching a movie on television.  A 2015 calendar in his room did not help the cause either.

When the movie ended post midnight and he logged into Twitter, he was in for a shock.  His whole world came crashing down as he went through a plethora of Eid greetings on his timeline.  Crestfallen, he decided to kill himself and started searching the internet for a method to end his life, and was redirected to a YouTube page that read – ‘Himmatwala (full movie).’

As he muttered, “Adios world,” and played the video, a thought crossed his mind.  He realized his Twitter account was his only connection to the world and deactivating the account would be as good as being dead to everyone.  Hence, instead of dying a painful death, he deleted his Twitter account.

Speaking to The Unreal Times, he said, “Greeting everyone on the occasion of Eid is a usual custom, but for us, it’s a decree, it’s a task, it defines what we stand for.  We set an alarm and wait for this day, and as the alarm goes off, we slip in a unique message, different from the one posted the previous year.”

“I have been waiting for this day and I…I goofed up,” he broke down as he narrated the traumatic experience.

“It was like you wait for months for the World Cup final and when the match starts, the power goes off.  I cannot call myself a liberal anymore.  I am a sanghi.  Muslims across the world are discriminated because of people like me,” he let out a wail of anguish.

“Why don’t you just claim your account was hacked and you couldn’t access it?  I mean, we guys are pretty good at it,” we suggested.

But he seemed like a man of virtue and did not want to resort to lies.

“Ok then throw a feast for poor Muslim kids and redeem yourself,” we suggested another plan.

He sneered at us as he said, “You have grossly misconstrued our mission.  This is not how it’s done.”

“But instead of symbolic…”

Our interview remained incomplete as he gave us a stern look and stomped out of the room.

Monday, 4 July 2016

Terrorist frees hostages after they recite dialogues from Shirish Kunder’s movie



A gunman freed hostages after they were able to narrate dialogues from Joker, a science fiction comedy film directed by Shirish Kunder.

The incident occurred yesterday when a terrorist barged into a restaurant and took the customers and staff members hostage.  After closing all possible exit points, he asked them to recite verses from Quran as per the standard procedure followed by terrorists across the globe.

But when they failed to comply, he menacingly walked towards a customer sitting in a corner and said, “This is not done.  You have to recite something otherwise I will kill you.”

To this he said, “Kala ghaz kala gad gad gad, boli buzh boli bud bud bud.”

“What was that?” asked the bewildered terrorist.

“Shreyas Talpade’s dialogue from a movie I recently watched.”

“Which movie?”

“Joker by Shirish Kunder.”

“And you watched the entire movie?”

“Yes.”

“Who are you?” the terrorist asked him with tear-filled eyes.

“I did my mechanical engineering from Lovely Professional University and I am currently working with…”

“No, you are an angel.”

“Like Taher Shah?”

“No, like a real angel.  Go, you are free.”

The other hostages learned the trick by then and narrated the same line to the terrorist and were allowed to leave the restaurant.

“Can we go as well?” asked the staff members.

“No!  Let’s watch the movie.”

“Reham, O thou terrorist,” they cried but the cruel terrorist did not pay heed to their plea and mercilessly played one after another Shirish Kunder movie and kept muttering, “What a brilliant director!”  Finally, at 3 am, he left the restaurant leaving everyone devastated.

Once the news broke out, the needle of suspicion pointed towards the director of the movie, as many claim his movies can only be watched at gunpoint, which, according to them, encouraged him to take this drastic step.  However, later the police released a sketch of the gunman, whose physical appearance did not resemble a tsunami survivor, and hence the possibility of Mr. Kunder’s involvement was ruled out.