Sunday, 25 September 2016

Raj Thackeray watches Ae Dil Hai Mushkil trailer, asks entire cast and crew to leave India within 48 hours

After threatening Ae Dil Hai Mushkil’s Fawad Khan to leave the country within 48 hours on Friday, MNS chief Raj Tackeray today has asked the entire cast and crew to leave the country within 48 hours.

Mr. Tackeray, after issuing the ultimatum to Fawad Khan, realized he had reacted in haste and decided to watch the trailer of the movie to understand the situation better.  Hence, he locked himself in his room and secretly played the trailer on YouTube.

Two and half minutes later, when he came out of his room, achieving nirvana, he looked visibly shaken and refrained from discussing the experience with anyone.  He, however, asked his workers to issue a statement, demanding the ouster of the entire cast and crew of the movie from India within 48 hours.

“Movies like Ae Dil Hai Mushkil are the reason why people are losing faith in humanity.  Raj couldn’t sleep for three days after watching the trailer and tried to figure out whether it was about a love triangle or a futile attempt to revive Aishwarya Rai’s acting career,” Shalini Thackeray, wife of MNS chief Raj Thackeray, said in a press conference.

Shalini, who is the general secretary of MNS, told us that their Chitrapat wing has issued a 48-hour ultimatum to the entire cast and crew of the movie to leave the country.

“We would also issue letters to the producers asking them on what ground they hired Aishwarya Rai when there are ample number of actors in the country and struggling to find an opportunity.”

“Would you like to specify a name?’ we asked.

“Her husband!”

“But Aishwarya Rai is playing a female character and Abhishek…”

“With a bit of make-up, he could easily play the character,” she asserted.

We asked Raj Thackeray what MNS would do if they refuse to leave the country and he looked at us blankly for a second before the trailer he’d watched flashed through his mind, “Our workers will push them out before they release the movie,” he screamed on the verge of breaking down.

However, Mumbai Police has given an assurance to the production house and said, “Anyone who has a valid document issued by the Government of India need not worry.  If Bangladeshi immigrants can live here illegally without any document then why cannot they?”

Thursday, 7 July 2016

Liberal forgets to greet nation on Eid; attempts suicide

A well-known liberal, Prakash Tambe, came under heavy criticism on Twitter from his fraternity after he forgot to greet the nation on the auspicious occasion of Eid al-Fitr.  Soon, things took an ugly turn and he noticed #BanPrakashTambe trending on Twitter.  Ashamed and aghast, Mr. Tambe decided to put an end to his life.

However, he made slight changes to his plan later and deactivated his Twitter account instead.

The incident happened yesterday when liberals across the country were celebrating Eid from their living rooms via Twitter.  But the ill-fated liberal, completely oblivious to the celebrations happening on the microblogging site, was watching a movie on television.  A 2015 calendar in his room did not help the cause either.

When the movie ended post midnight and he logged into Twitter, he was in for a shock.  His whole world came crashing down as he went through a plethora of Eid greetings on his timeline.  Crestfallen, he decided to kill himself and started searching the internet for a method to end his life, and was redirected to a YouTube page that read – ‘Himmatwala (full movie).’

As he muttered, “Adios world,” and played the video, a thought crossed his mind.  He realized his Twitter account was his only connection to the world and deactivating the account would be as good as being dead to everyone.  Hence, instead of dying a painful death, he deleted his Twitter account.

Speaking to The Unreal Times, he said, “Greeting everyone on the occasion of Eid is a usual custom, but for us, it’s a decree, it’s a task, it defines what we stand for.  We set an alarm and wait for this day, and as the alarm goes off, we slip in a unique message, different from the one posted the previous year.”

“I have been waiting for this day and I…I goofed up,” he broke down as he narrated the traumatic experience.

“It was like you wait for months for the World Cup final and when the match starts, the power goes off.  I cannot call myself a liberal anymore.  I am a sanghi.  Muslims across the world are discriminated because of people like me,” he let out a wail of anguish.

“Why don’t you just claim your account was hacked and you couldn’t access it?  I mean, we guys are pretty good at it,” we suggested.

But he seemed like a man of virtue and did not want to resort to lies.

“Ok then throw a feast for poor Muslim kids and redeem yourself,” we suggested another plan.

He sneered at us as he said, “You have grossly misconstrued our mission.  This is not how it’s done.”

“But instead of symbolic…”

Our interview remained incomplete as he gave us a stern look and stomped out of the room.

Monday, 4 July 2016

Terrorist frees hostages after they recite dialogues from Shirish Kunder’s movie

A gunman freed hostages after they were able to narrate dialogues from Joker, a science fiction comedy film directed by Shirish Kunder.

The incident occurred yesterday when a terrorist barged into a restaurant and took the customers and staff members hostage.  After closing all possible exit points, he asked them to recite verses from Quran as per the standard procedure followed by terrorists across the globe.

But when they failed to comply, he menacingly walked towards a customer sitting in a corner and said, “This is not done.  You have to recite something otherwise I will kill you.”

To this he said, “Kala ghaz kala gad gad gad, boli buzh boli bud bud bud.”

“What was that?” asked the bewildered terrorist.

“Shreyas Talpade’s dialogue from a movie I recently watched.”

“Which movie?”

“Joker by Shirish Kunder.”

“And you watched the entire movie?”


“Who are you?” the terrorist asked him with tear-filled eyes.

“I did my mechanical engineering from Lovely Professional University and I am currently working with…”

“No, you are an angel.”

“Like Taher Shah?”

“No, like a real angel.  Go, you are free.”

The other hostages learned the trick by then and narrated the same line to the terrorist and were allowed to leave the restaurant.

“Can we go as well?” asked the staff members.

“No!  Let’s watch the movie.”

“Reham, O thou terrorist,” they cried but the cruel terrorist did not pay heed to their plea and mercilessly played one after another Shirish Kunder movie and kept muttering, “What a brilliant director!”  Finally, at 3 am, he left the restaurant leaving everyone devastated.

Once the news broke out, the needle of suspicion pointed towards the director of the movie, as many claim his movies can only be watched at gunpoint, which, according to them, encouraged him to take this drastic step.  However, later the police released a sketch of the gunman, whose physical appearance did not resemble a tsunami survivor, and hence the possibility of Mr. Kunder’s involvement was ruled out.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

Are bhakts outnumbering the rest?

Over the past few years, we have witnessed the emergence of a group of people called bhakts and their ever-increasing number has been one of the grave concerns for many across the nation.  Ironically, though, the ones who are annoyed by the presence of bhakts in a progressive society are the same people who label every random individual as a bhakt.

A bhakt can be anyone, an ordinary person like you and me who holds a different opinion to those who assign the title, an imaginary person or a group of people who they vilify in order to achieve vindication, or just anyone they lose an argument to.

Bhakts are primarily created on social media, which is the closest to what we have achieved when we talk about a platform that gives everyone an opportunity to voice his or her opinion.  Here we can question anyone and understand how even the most informed individuals respond when pushed beyond the comfort zone of one way communication.  Some turn abusive, some make personal attacks, while others turn dismissive to avoid the need to explain why the person is wrong.  And the fact that most of the bhakts are created on social media and not in real world is a clear indicator of what leads to the classification.

Although, most bhakts can be called supporters of BJP, being awarded the title during the course of an argument doesn’t necessarily establish the awardee’s political inclination.  They just don’t endorse certain ideologies all the time.

I am not going into a discussion on who is wrong and who is right, and it’s virtually impossible for an individual or a group of people to be always correct.  There are instances when we all make incorrect observations, which leave room for argument.

We can criticize a political party or a politician when it’s due, we can even correct its supporters when they make unfounded statements, but how can we be annoyed with people for not concurring with us and for not spewing venom against a particular party?

Spiteful comments against right wingers from certain individuals have been relentless.  Take for example, this tweet by Shirish Kunder:

Needless to mention here that this is a mere statement devoid of facts, but the strange part is the tweet was retweeted by the Chief Minister of Delhi, which may not be a smart move by a smart CM because a political party cannot grow without growing its supporter base.  And if I am a bhakt, I probably wouldn’t switch my loyalty after reading this just for the sake of increasing my IQ, although I am sure, even Mr. Kejriwal wouldn’t want to be known as a leader of a party that has low-IQ supporters.  But the larger question is, what problem would anyone have with less intelligent people in the society unless they are constantly troubled by their presence for reasons best known to them?

As far as Shirish Kunder’s IQ is concerned, he is aware of the fact that he is far from being hilarious and his acerbic tweets are liked only by individuals with identical stance towards right wingers who need someone to take their one dimensional views to a larger audience.  Mr. Kunder’s motive, however, is entirely different and he has achieved what he wanted to because a decent number of people are now aware of his existence.

But this is not an odd instance when a senior political leader attacked Narendra Modi’s supporters.  Let’s look at this tweet by Shashi Tharoor.

Which actually is a sign of resignation.  Instead of regaining congress’s popularity through constructive work, he is complaining about people supporting BJP.  And his follow-up tweet was funny or rather ironical.

So basically, only his jokes need to be taken in the right spirit and those who crack jokes at him are trolls.  Yes, according to some, bhakts are solely responsible for all the trolling on internet.  As a matter of fact, they are allegedly the worst and the most abusive trolls internet has ever seen.


Now, this is another baseless allegation.  I don’t think anyone can point out an instance when these so called trolls have attacked anyone with filthiest of abuses.  Yes they do criticize individuals and even poke fun at them, but who doesn’t.  If we go through the timeline of Kejriwal, I don’t think anyone can classify him as anything other than a troll.  This following tweet definitely doesn’t fall under the category of joke or criticism.  It’s an abuse.

However, it’s not Kejriwal alone who accused Modi of following his supporters on Twitter, many have done that before.  The problem here is not trolling, the actual problem is Narendi Modi following common people on Twitter.  They wouldn’t have had any issue, if he’d just followed a few intellectuals and journos who constantly spew bile in the garb of correctness.

There are innumerable instances of hypocrisy and double standards, and we have lost count of them, but people can see through the hypocrisy and wouldn’t concede to the idea of a handful of people misleading everyone by imposing their subjective views on others.  Their acerbic remarks that are predominantly directed to a larger group may not work unless they are supported by facts.

Bhakts won’t go because they are common men and women of India who don’t always endorse the views of a particular group of people.  And the number will only rise as long as we keep labeling individuals with what we consider a derogatory remark.  A derogatory term can be insulting for a handful of people but when the group is significantly large, it doesn’t really matter because so many people cannot be wrong.  Accepting the fact could be less troubling than fighting it.